My dog just gazed at me, sighed, then raised her leg halfway as if to scratch the back of her neck, but decided against it and dismally laid down her head. Such is the story of 1am, knee-deep in my favorite author's book, distracted by certain facebook profiles after finally sending a message in search of much-needed info, and finally ending up on xanga after many months of neglect.

I should be watching Spartacus or editing photos, but my thirst for spontaneity has overcome that responsible drive which I thought was innate. Perhaps it is, as I always remind myself of what I should be accomplishing. My yoga class was beautiful tonight, I love the atmosphere of the skate park. The energy circles around our heads in its potential and our fluid movements beckon strength. Nothing else is a part of this. I could do it every day.

Undergraduate classes are not so different from high school. I look forward to grad school. In the midst of my first senior level class this semester, I feel comfortable, agitated, and exhilarated. Sometimes I wonder if I am only happy when I am pressured to change.

Someone once told me I tended to wreak havoc and move on, leaving a trail of chaos. I'm seeing this now in my roommate, whom I love dearly. I understood the meaning when these words were uttered more than a year ago, but did not understand how to forego their truth. I am attempting now to be the neutral ground, the calm and consistent one, the one who would rather be absent than be the cultivator of pain. Ayn Rand's character said, "words were the best means of estrangement." I understand this to mean to say the obvious, known words is to diminish their strength. Perhaps this is why I don't contact the person who dared to correct my mischievous ways, but then Ayn Rand's philosophy is full of ridiculous ideals.

This summer I shall be studying Byron and Keats and traveling to California. Wouldn't laying on the sweet beaches of Carlsbad with a book of talent in one hand and a pina colada in the other top anyone's idea of perfection? No I shall have to take one at a time or I will never be content after that. I have been wondering recently about that awful question, "Is it better to have loved and lost or never loved at all?" when it comes to beautiful moments such as these and have come to the conclusion that one prepare to love many times and never suppose a loss as eternal. Therefore pina coladas on the beach with Keats shall become a goal as soon as it has been done.

I've been observing people lately...oh alright, and participating in the act of..'blowing people off.' This sounds so typically rude, so undeniably thoughtless, and yet a lot of reserved thought processes go into this fruitless art.

How does one do it? Ignored phone calls...a scheduled, dreaded meeting with a few awkward moments (or loud screaming fits, whichever you prefer)...those little texts which can always be misconstrued into meaning more than what you..ehem...meant...and always...always...the darling of a question; ‘What is he/she thinking?' 

So why does it have to be so difficult? So awkward?  So terrifying…to just tell people the truth…that you’re just not that into them? I loved the sex and the city episode in which Miranda was told by Carrie’s boyfriend that she needed to stop stressing about her one-nighter calling her..

’Obviously,’ Carrie’s guy said with a shrug, ‘he’s just not that into you.’

Stroke of genius. Let’s stop worrying, girls, and guys even…If they’re not calling…or not responding to our shouts outside their windows (hey, we’ve all been there), then how bout we take a little boost for our dignity, and walk it off. Let it go. But…you say, I could easily do it if they’d just TELL me they weren’t interested…

A friend of mine, after listening to my stories of confusion in my own bewildering drama, recounted his story of a beautiful cheerleader for the KC Chiefs and a date that, by his standards, went quite well. He called and asked her out again via voicemail, and she responded with a longish voicemail explaining exactly why they shouldn’t be together. Not in a ‘your personality makes me want to strangle you,’ way, but in a plain straightforward,’ I just didn’t feel the chemistry, and I don’t think it would be a good idea..’ He was thrilled with her candid behavior, and enjoyed the closure that so many other girls avoid giving.

Well I’m going to take a stand for mankind and stop being one of those girls that avoids the truth. I’m going to stop leading guys on by agreeing to spend time with them, and stop blowing them off by ignoring phone call after text after phone call…

And I think you should too. For my sake. In case we ever meet. It’s just that simple; ‘I’m just not that into you..let’s be friends.’

Well I had my first PED exam this morning, which went well enough. I didn't get an extremely high grade, but passable enough that I imagine I'll ace the class. Finally with some good news, my stress levels evaporated. I might be able to handle this whole college thing. Homework is almost up to date with taking work off this week, saying no to social gatherings, and using every available minute to tick things off the list.

Had a stress relieving lecture today in UHC, and I'm quite sure my stress is episodically acute. I've always been overly worried and freaking out whenever possible, and now, getting to the point in my life where no one really cares but me, I find I must stop, relax, throw a few things off my shoulders, take a deep breath, and watch 'sex and the city' reruns. Whatever works, right? That's so cliche, but we do need to find out own little relievers, I spose.

My best friend is visiting this weekend from Utah. I have not seen her since her wedding in May, and am tres excited for a reunion. Guaranteed, the two 3-4 page papers that I'm supposed to start and finish before the end of next week will be worse for wear, but my nerves need a little petting. My friends, after all, cannot only be Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. Fictional screen characters don't have any feedback, of which I'm sorely in need.